Brain Damage
September 13, 2024
Last night the Miami Dolphins quarterback’s neck was bent during a tackle and after the collision the video shows him “posturing,” which the news headline says is a sign of “traumatic brain injury.” One arm went up, the other curled in, while his legs looked glued together. His fingers spread and flexed unnaturally, then he rolled into the fetal position.
Damn, that looks familiar.
All of that happens to me when extremely fatigued. Curious to learn more, I googled “posturing”, scrolled, and gasped at an image from Cleveland Clinic, recognizing myself.
Clicking on the picture brought me the description:
A person with decorticate posturing can have the following:
* Extended and rigid legs.
* Toes pointed away from the body and turned slightly inward.
* Arms bent upward at the elbows toward the center of your body.
* Curled wrists.
* Hands balled and pressed together and against the chest.
Yes and to all of the above when in the car, in my chair, on the couch, in my bed….so so so so many times. I continued reading until this made me cry:
“Decorticate posturing is usually a sign of damage to the brain or severe disruptions in brain activity.”
Why am I crying? It’s not as if I don’t know I have severe disruptions in brain activity, not being able to walk or talk is indication enough. Maybe it’s because recently I’ve begun accepting what I feel in my heart is true. For now, this might be as good as I get. Research is coming but not fast enough. And when it gets here, will the damage be reversible? At my last neurology appointment, we discussed more cognitive therapy but decided to wait because the cognitive challenges during two hours at school are all my brain can handle right now.
Striking a balance between holding onto hope for someday and finding joy in the everyday is constant for me. Deprogramming a life of believing accomplishment equaled my worthiness of love doesn’t happen overnight, or even in three and a half years. But each time you meet me where I am, whether it’s a text to say your thinking of me, a hug in the hallway, saying “I’m glad you’re here” or “I saw you doing _____ and it made me so happy”, coming over to see me in my chair, a gift card for dinner, or finding a comedy special from the ‘90s that makes my stomach hurt from laughing, you remind me to be present and grateful. I am here and am surrounded by love, no questions asked.
You are teaching me by example to love myself unconditionally and allow myself grace to mourn the life I lost and also live openly to what’s possible that I never imagined.
