Take the Pictures

November 2, 2023

I take the pictures so that in 20 years, these are the memories Brian and the girls will have from this time in our lives……

Not what happened before - when tears stung my eyes as you turned to me with worried brows and said, “are you walking me with your cane?” and I looked at how far the end zone was from where we stood and wasn’t sure I’d make it.

Or now what happened after - when I couldn’t walk or talk for 18 hours.

Not what happened before - when I cried taking you to school because I couldn’t help you make a decision and when you said to me, “why can’t you figure it out?” I knew my cognitive deficits were still with me.

Or not what happened after - when I couldn’t drive you or go to the choir concert.

Not what happened before - when I missed dinner and drinks with you and the team parents and you once again came home to find me unable to open my eyes or tell you how incredible it was to watch our daughter perform with her teammates.

Or not what happened after - when I was propped up in the chair for the rest of the day and you had to take care of every household duty.

As with every step of long covid recovery, going back to work has been absolutely lovely and gut wrenching at the same time. I adore being with my OFHS family again and working with students but the mental and physical work drains me the way therapy once did. And my family takes the brunt of the fallout. I apologize if I haven’t reached out or answered only in emojis, but I am saving the pitiful little bit I have left each day for Brian and the girls (and of course Doug).

People ask if going back to work part time is too much. Maybe? Who knows? But I’ve got to start somewhere and I’m beyond grateful for my new position making it possible. I’m hoping it will be similar to when I started therapy - it kicked my butt but, eventually, after months and months, I was able to do more and more. I’ve told myself for weeks, it would be better at the end of September, then I moved it to the end of October. Now I’m hoping for the end of November.

People say they are amazed I don’t give up. That’s another reason why I take the pictures - as a reminder the sun always shines after the storm. And if we’re lucky, sometimes it shines during the storm and we get a rainbow. It’s been two years since I wrote my twenty-three thankfuls to combat feeling like long covid would never end. I know we have so much to be thankful for. Gratitude and acceptance, along with your love, support, and positive words are my rainbow.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I hope in 20 years these pictures represent just one: love.